Introversion

I am alone. You might wonder why I am saying this, when all of my blog post talks about how my life was going together with my friends; those random gala and escapade that I always share in this blog. You might say that I am this happy, bubbly and high-spirited individual who enjoys her life so much, but the truth is I am alone.

I grow up being bullied with my classmates at school during grade school years; because I was overweight back then (and up until now, I am still that mataba girl like I used to be when I was in grade school) and I always ended up crying alone in one corner. I guess that was really one of the biggest problem in the society that you will not find any solutions, and up until today, it is still exists. And that is one of the reasons that our society will not grow and prosper because there are still those ill-minded individuals who are dragging people down when they are trying their very best to become successful.

I was bullied during my grade school days, and because of that I lost my confidence and my self-esteem was getting low, but when I reached high school those bullying days were gone in an instant. I was sent in a prestigious university here in our city back then. Yes those bullying was stop, but it leave a deep wound in my heart and mind and I can’t get over with the trauma that I get from those ill-fated days. And because of that, I am always alone and I am aloof with the people around me, because I am afraid that it will happen again to me.

So, I distance myself from the crowd, saving myself from the heart breaking humiliation that I might get when I will try to fit in. But, I still have some few friends back then, just a nonchalant relationship that was shared by those unconcerned individuals; that was on my high school days.

And when I reached college, little by little I get to regain the confidence that I used to have when I was still a little kid. It is like I have to do it for myself in order to succeed on the things that I am doing. During college days, I was exposed to various school activities which I didn’t tried participating in high school. I tried participating to speech contests thrice, just to feel and experience that elated and at the same time nerve-rocking moment when there I am, standing in that flat platform facing my audiences and portraying the character that was assigned to me. It was sure a great experience, with the help of some of my close friends in college; I did all those things with their support and for them being there with me during those said events.

It was an ecstatic moment if I will ponder it though, but those experiences never change me. I was still the same girl who is aloof and pessimist. I am not comfortable when I am with a large group of people, let’s say an important event that I attended to, and I don’t know the people around me it makes me want to freak out. But despite of that, I tried to mingling out, but there is this fear of being rejected creeping into me when I try to befriend a new individual. I am afraid of the consequences that I might encounter along the way when I try to go out outside my comfort zone.

And up until today, I still have this trait, nothing changed, nothing at all. I am still that introverted girl that tried to leash out her funny and friendly side, but did not succeed. The things that I did when I was still in high school, where I distance myself from the people around me, saving myself from the humiliation that I might get from the crowd when I will try to fit it, I also did those things today, here at work.

And then last Wednesday, me and my seat mate at work are randomly talking about some crazy and irrelevant things. And then the topic of mingling out with new individuals came up. I don’t know how it started, but it just came out. So, I told her about my fear of being rejected, and she said something that really strike me out. She said about viewing things in a different perspective, for being open to some new possibilities.

I asked her questions that I really want to have some answers, questions like: what if I will try to mingle out, try to fit in to a school of individuals but I got rejected?

She answered: Try new ways or approach, maybe you are rejected because your ways or approach are different. You will be the one who will adjust things if you really want to fit into a certain group, not that those people will adjust for you, just for you to fit to their group.

Yes, I got that, maybe she has a point but what if I will do what you said, I change my ways and approach and try to reach out to them, but the same thing will happen, I got rejected again.

 Her answer really hit me; Then, stop trying, stop reaching out, that is your cue that those individuals really don’t want your presence. Don’t force something or someone to those things that they don’t want to, because you will end up getting hurt. Try to find someone else or just be with yourself and enjoy the little and simple things that you get and achieved. You don’t need to have many hands that will clap you when you are successful, all you need are those few and sincere hands that will wipe you tears when you are in pain and failures are eating you up.

I was speechless when she said those words. She really do have a point, doesn’t she? As the days pass by, I try to ponder the things that she have told me, and I realize that she’s right. Why would I force myself to be fitted to a certain school of individuals who doesn’t want me in the very first place? When I have some few true friends who will never reject me and who will be with me through thick and thin? Those advised are really an eye opener. Thanks to her, I realized many things and I should have done those things in the very first place. If I do, I wouldn’t be hurt like this, but I do learn my lesson.